TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed through the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from location. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Indeed, confident, let us have A further place exactly where American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer you Every person a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate energy," Trump Tower Damascus said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he must stop employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the venture, replied, "You already know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Great tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from space, a characteristic staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after finding the building's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It can be not just unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest component from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors might ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Eternally."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "wherever's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is presently attracting focus from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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